A to Z of Police Squad

Frank and Ed with Mrs Twice

Frank: Our next stop was a neighborhood known as Little Italy. A criminal investigation seldom follows a straightforward clear-cut course. This one was obviously no exception. I felt we had to talk with Ralph Twice's widow, to see how much she knew.

Ran him out of town like a common pygmy

Mrs Twice: Oh, please go away. Please go away, I don't want to answer any more of your questions.
Frank: We are sorry to bother you at a time like this, Mrs Twice. We would have come earlier but your husband wasn't dead then. [Hear it.]
Mrs Twice: Ralph was such a good man. Who could have done such a horrible thing?
Ed: Did he owe any money? Doctor bills, gambling debts, Book of the Month club.
Mrs Twice: No, nothing, just two more payments on our solar telescope. Oh, poor Ralph! Do you know how what it's like to be married to a wonderful man for fourteen years? [Hear it.]
Frank: No, I can't say that I do. I did live with a guy once, though, but that was just for a couple of years. Usual slurs, rumours, innuendos, people didn't understand. Ran him out of town like a common pygmy.
Ed: Did he have any enemies?
Mrs Twice: Well, the Democrats didn't like him.
Frank: Sure, he was a Physical Education major, but he had a mind, he could think, wasn't all muscle, all body, all sinewy limbs. He got married, you know, later, had three kids. Never cared for her, sent a nice gift, never got a note.
Ed: I know this is a long shot, but did he ever eat chop suey?
Mrs Twice: No, no, he never did.
Ed: Well, it was just a hunch.
Frank: I told him she was wrong. And that younger boy. Just like his father, football hero. Lived with him for a year. Wasn't the same. Can't go back.
Mrs Twice: Poor Ralph. And what about my daughter. What am I gonna tell her?
Ed: Yeah, you are gonna have to tell her something. Tell her he went on a long trip.
Frank: No, wait a minute. How about a big monster came and took him to Daddy-heaven. No.
Ed: What about this: He threw himself on a grenade to save the battalion. Yeah, that's it.
Frank: No, no, wait a minute. He was killed by left-wing insurgents from Paraguay. No, Bolivia.
Ed: I got it. He was traded to the Cubs for Reggie Jackson.
Mrs Twice: [Cries louder and louder.]

[ Main page | A-D | E-H | I-L | M-Q | R-U | V-Z | Pics | Links ]